June 6
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
I can never hate Adam Sandler no matter how many abysmal pieces of shit he inflicts on the movie-going public. The reason: Punch-Drunk Love.
I really, really should hate him though, and can't say I blame those who do after a decade of utter refuse. Calling his comedy vehicles from 1998 until now "refuse" is actually insulting to discarded rubbish. So I was determined to watch this trailer and hate it: I would not laugh, I would not smile, the corners of my mouth would not even twitch...and dammit, when he pinches the crying little boy's shoulder to render him unconscious, I goddamn chuckled. Damn you my chuckle!
I chuckled a couple more times just because of the sheer silliness of it and I liked seeing Shelley Berman, the old comedian who plays Larry's dad on Curb...but I'm sure this will still suck. And it's pretty obvious that Sandler is either homaging or straight ripping-off Sacha Baron Cohen. And that title is indefensible.
But Emmanuelle Chriqui is in it. I like her, but not really because she's particularly talented or interesting. She looks nice in a black bandana though. June 13
The Happening
Mark Wahlberg + sweater vest = plausible high school science teacher. This must have been M. Night Shyamalan's reasoning and as we know, Mr. Shyamalan's reasoning is not good. I love Unbreakable, thought Signs was mostly dogshit, and hated The Village at the time, but saw it recently on television where there was no hype or build-up and since I knew the whole "creatures in the woods" ruse was a red herring designed to exploit eager horror fans into watching a weak social commentary on the ills of modern society, didn't feel the rage I felt when being hoodwinked in the movie theater. I have a bad feeling from the absolute nothing happening in this trailer that there will be an equally underwhelming explanation for why all these actors are running around with looks of apprehension on their faces, accompanied by misleading suspense music. The original movie title was "The Green Effect" which means Shyamalan is utilizing the recent environmental panic for some sort of inevitably moronic malevolent force. Here's the more intriguing Teaser:
There is an effective moment there that carries echoes of the sights we witnessed of people throwing themselves from the World Trade Center on September 11.
But I wouldn't trust Shyamalan to deliver the goods.
The Incredible Hulk
Don't care, don't care, don...is that William Hurt's voice? Not sure. Is that Tim Roth? Eh, that's not enoug...that is William Hurt! Eh, he was in Vantage Point too. Ooh there's two big steroid monsters this time! Well, throw in Sandman, Venom, Hobgoblin, some T-Rexes with laser beams attached to their foreheads, maybe a few flying sharks, and a 90-foot-tall Hitler, and I'm in.
June 20
The Love Guru
Enough, Mike Myers. Enough.
June 27
Wall-E
I actually want to see this. I bet the first half will maintain the minimal dialogue (which I will enjoy immensely) and then the second half will just be tedious (which I will find tedious). But yeah, I think Wall-E is likable - he reminds me of the Jawas for some reason, and I love Jawas.
Wanted
That shot of James McAvoy holding a gun in each hand, arms outstretched, firing both weapons at the same time - that image was just breathtaking. Have we ever seen such a thing in a darkened movie theater before?
But seriously, plot-wise, this is a rehash of a recycled doodling of a copy of a cliche. You could go out and buy tickets to see this or you could just light $25 on fire.
The 2.5 Movies I Actually Want To See This Summer, Part 1: May
